(A Special Post for Sunday Scribblings)
Where does a thought like "what else I might have been" take you?
Does it take you into regret? "If only I had done that.....that would have made the difference in my life"
Does it take you into guilt? "If only I hadn't done that...that would have made the difference in my life."
Initially, this was a tough topic for me. My philosophy is that I did what I did at the time with the best information that I had and, unless there is something that I can change now, there isn't much point of going back. You can learn from the past to effect the future but what's done is done. I don't have the above two emotions to feed off of.
I scanned through the things that I thought I would be growing up as a child......race car driver, sports announcer, songwriter, writer, professional golfer, etc. Maybe the answer to this assignment would come from there. It seems that it would have been forced, however.
Then it hit me...
What Else I Might Have Been...............a Father.
Back when I was married, this actually almost happened- It wasn't planned but we were "with child" before the life was taken in a first tri-mester miscarriage. Upon hearing the initial news that I would become a parent, honestly, "thrilled" would not be the best description to describe my emotions.
Yet, with a little bit of time, I began to accept - this new found responsibility. I moved through "accept"rather quickly to "looking forward to." Hey, another life was coming along. I was half the cause of it. It was now time to figure out what I was going to do to live up to my responsibility and maximize this wonderful opportunity that had drifted into my life.
It was about this time - that the opportunity was taken away from us. Yes, there was sadness. There was not an overabundance of grief. God didn't want this to happen. He always knows what is best even when we can't figure it out and it goes against our wishes.
Noah Nutter would have been about 15 or 16 right now - I probably wouldn't be blogging this moment. I'd probably be white knuckling it in the passenger seat as I taught him to drive a stick shift automobile. (Yes......children should be taught on a manual transmission!!! Let me count the reasons why.....)
Yes, life would have been much different - Noah's mother and I may not have divorced....we may have anyway. If we still had, the divorce would have looked a lot different than it did. I can't believe it would have been as civil and as pleasant as our dissolution was and has been.
Would life have been better? - Heck no!!! Not automatically! It would have been different. I would probably be feeling much the same way that I do now.....I'd just have different distractions.
"But parenthood really changes you..."- and, I suppose that is true. I can't speak to that. You, as a parent, can't speak to how you would have changed without children. Do you think time that is not forced serving the needs of one's child doesn't change you too? It's just a different kind of change.
No, we never got back onboard the train to create the next super-race - and I won't experience the joys of fatherhood or of grandfatherhood. I'm OK with that. Will I regret this when I am 60 or 70 or 80? I'll let you know when I get there. I'm not regretting it 15 years later. I'm not celebrating that I didn't have the child either.
Things are as they are - if you don't like them, change them. Because this philosophy has been a part of me for so long, I have no reason to think that this one won't still be there as I age. (Well....I guess if Alzheimer's creeps in, my philosophy leaks out....but then so does thinking about what might have been)
"But, Nutster, who is going to take care of you when you are old? Who is going to visit you?" - well, you may have a point. I can only offer this. Kids may have better things to do than take care of their own elders. Perhaps I should live a life where people other than my own children should want to take care of me should I be unable to do so. Perhaps I should earn this degree of respect in the world rather than just within the family. Also, I have a late-brother that didn't complete the trip into my parent's old age. Obviously, he's not much help in that department to my aging father. Life offers no guarantees. Having children does increase your odds for some old age companionship but look around. How much time do we spend with our aged? It appears that, as a whole, the East does a better job of this. The concept of extended family living in the West is almost non-existent. I am blessed that my surviving brother and his wife take such good care of my father in their home.
I'm glad I took a moment today - to think about "what else I might have been." I might have been different.....yet, I think, much the same.
7 comments:
Love you pragmatic and hopeful perspective. Thanks for your thoughtful ruminations on the subject. The prompt can lead you a lot of places, I'm finding.
Scott, somehow I don't think you'll have to worry about having people who care around you, no matter how old - or young - you are. They don't have to be blood relations to care - sometimes the best "family" is the one we create through friendships. On occasion we all think about how things might have been different if we'd done this or that or taken an alternate route - but you're absolutely right, the essence of who we are isn't changed by time or circumstance. Excellent post, my friend. (And I know, I know, it's disgraceful how behind I am w/ e-mail).
What an interesting "could have been" entry. Sort of curious to think about really, seeing as you never know what you're going to get with children, each one so different and all..
BUT
Regardless, I think you're a very lovely person right now and that's all that matters!
-Aly
Fun to read, very much agree with your thoughts. Thanks for sharing them!
Interesting post. Thoughtful, funny, introspective. I like this line: "Perhaps I should live a life where people other than my own children should want to take care of me should I be unable to do so." I'll bet you already do.
jb
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